I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

i can't sleep. why?

i wish i knew. i've had a headache all day constant, getting worse after group. i think it's cause i'm tired. i even took two tylenol (i never do).

there's just a lot on my mind, i know. isn't there always? so why does this time have to be different. i can't say i know what to do with my life, but whatever's gone on until now, admittedly, hasn't been working too well. change is hard for people to accept, let alone implement on their own.

my brain won't shut off. it finally has room to think and it's gone wild. i don't want it to stop entirely, but just to calm down to a dull roar so i can sleep.


and i'm sorry, i wasn't up. but i didn't know what to say the next morning at 8am. i should have written back, are you up?

p.s. here's the backpiece, or part of it. i get the birdies colored on saturday. then a break on the pocketbook and the pain threshold. are my tattoos pretty yet? i still maintain they're beautiful. i hope you can see that they're more than pictures. they all have meaning.

here's a public apology to everyone i owe one too. if you don't know me or what i'm talking about, don't worry about it.

sorry i've been absent and not around and not calling back. i can't explain how i feel very well, but bear with me and it'll pass soon enough. i'm very mercurial lately; one minute being around people is okay, the next minute i snap into this alone phase and i don't even want to see another human being, let alone communicate with one. i have seven voicemails on my phone (and who knows how many missed calls) that i can't listen to because i will feel so guilty. i'm not being a selfish dick on purpose, i'm just grieving and this bout probably won't clear up 'til after christmas. friday was the day my mother died, today is my grandmother's birthday and nov. 21 is when she died last year. so that, in combination with all kinds of other shit, is slowly compacting my brain down to a single, useless molecule. I don't fare well with offerings of support, probably because of my perspective on death and greiving. it's a personal and alienating process and i'm kind of in a fog of it lately. even though it might not seem like it, i do appreciate those who care about me.

jenn